Dead People Can't Get Married

Pastor JJ: Welcome to Wednesday night service haaaaaaymen. I am thankful to see the faithful here tonight haaaaaaaymen. You are all Baptist haaaaaymen. You lean to the right because you are right haaaaaaymen. I am a Baptist and I am right haaaaaymen. I am so right that when I drive, I never make left turns haaaaaymen. Just ask my wife! You know why I make right turns only? Because if I go left, people will think I am liberal  and that is not happening on my watch glowray!

Crowd:Haaaaaaaaymen. (one minute worth)

Pastor JJ: Turn over in your KJV Bible to 1 Cor 7. I will read:

¹² But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

¹³ And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

¹⁴ For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

Pastor JJ: This weekend a Devil Movie will be out called 50 Shades of Grey. If any Baptist go and watch that movie, I will be led to believe you were never saved in the first place. I can understand non Baptist going. Why? Because they are sinners on their way to a Devil's Hell Haaaaymen! 

Crowd: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyymeeen.

Pastor JJ: You know dead people can't get married? If you are not saved, then your going to hell. So in essence, if two unsaved folk get married, they are married but they are not. They are in the eyes of the law but not in the eyes of God haaaaaymen. Did God join two atheists?  Heavens no! They are two dead people and dead people cannot get married. Many are married but not married married haaaaymen. The church is the bride of Christ! So if you are not the bride, what are you? DEAD!!!!

Crowd: They go nuts

Pastor JJ: Her children were one time unclean. When did the marriage get sanctified? When did the children become clean? When one became a Bible Believing Baptist Haaaaaymen!!!

Crowd: Glowray!!!!

Pastor JJ: So if he didn't become a Baptist, then the state they would be in today is of a bastardization haaaaymen! Are you a Bastard or a Baptist? Thank God we are all Baptist haaaaymen!

Crowd: Haaaaaymen!! (30 seconds worth)

Pastor JJ: Now how in the world could two bastards be truly marrried? They are not until one becomes a Baptist! If the man becomes a Baptist, then his wife will surely come along and be a Baptist too haaaaymen! P.S. Dont call me Shirley haaaaymen!!!

Crowd: Wondering if he made an Airplane movie reference  but shout haaayamen anyways!!

Pastor JJ: Fried taters and corn bread haaaaymen!

Crowd: Haaaymen!!!

Pastor JJ: Haymen! Glowray. You wait till July when Dr. John the hammer Hamblin gets here. Oh glowray! You are going to get the thunder and the boom haaaaymen!

Crowd: Haaaaaaaymen! (2 minutes of shouts)

Pastor JJ: I am going to leave you with this, when two non Baptist say they are married, I am here to tell you that dog don't hunt haaaaaaaaymen!

Crowd: goes nuts. 

 

Don't Hanky Panky in the Devil's Backyard

Pastor JJ: Good Morning all you fine Baptists. Isn't a great day to be a Baptist Haymen?
Crowd: Haaaaaaaymeeen. (30 Seconds of good ole shouts)
Pastor JJ: On February 6, two thousand and one, a legend in the Baptist faith passed on to be with the Lord. A man who was the greatest soul winner of all time. Everyone knows who I am talking about here. Good ole Jack Hyles. I am declaring that every year on the 6th is Jack Hyles day haaaaaymen!
Crowd: Haaaaaaaymeeeen Glowray. (2 minutes of shouting)
Pastor JJ: We all know that Jack never did the Hanky Panky in the Devil's Backyard haaaaaymen!  If you are a Baptist this morning, you better not be doing the Hanky Panky in the Devil's Backyard Glowray!!!
Crowd: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyymmmmmmmmmmmmmen.
Pastor JJ: Brother John and I come up with a great idea last week. We are going to increase our door knocking ministry. We are going to add on a 3rd shift for the night owls who are in the Devil's backyard haaaymen! We will start around 11 pm and finish around 6 am. Glowray!
Crowd: Haaaaaaymeeeen (for 19 seconds)
Pastor JJ: I am proud to be a Baptist this morning. For those who are not a Baptist, you are doing the Hanky Panky in the Devil's backyard. The Devil doesn't mind that you read the NIV in his backyard. As a matter of fact, he will give you a platform. Not only will he give you a platform, he will buy you a new polo shirt, tell you to wear a goatee, and a new NIV bible haaaaaymen. The NIV is the Never Inspired Version hayyymen. You ever hear of the NLT? That is the New Lucifer Translation haaaaymen. You hear about the ESV? The ESV is called the Evil Satanic Version haaaymen. Don't shout me down because I am telling you the truth haaaaaaaayyyyymen!!!!!
Crowd: Haaaaaymen! (40 seconds worth of shouts)
Pastor JJ: Did you notice something? The Devil bought him a new polo! The Devil will never buy you a new suit haymen. There are many churches that are ran by the Devil himself. I am here to tell you right now that this old Church is ran by the 1611 KJV Bible haaaaymen!!!!
Crowd: Haaaaaaaayyyyymen!!!
Pastor JJ: You notice why you men only shout? Because you got your wives to shut their mouths and keep silent like the word says to do haaaymen. They can shout on the inside but cannot on the outside. But I want to tell you a secret. I will wrap this message up with this: You and your wife are one! The women shouts on the inside and you men shout on the outside. So in essance, she is shouting with you because she is you! But, notice it is you, the man, shouting! You are the carrier out the shout and you are the leader hayyyymen!!! Now your the boss applesauce.
Crowd: They just go nuts